My birthday is soon, and it’s one of note. Only because my driver’s license needs renewal. Utah has STIFF new requirements for this process that include substantiating your existence via …

• birth certificate OR passport
• social security card
• proof of current address.

Lines have been LONG, computers have been DOWN, and employees and citizens have been FRUSTRATED. So I was nervous about this morning’s experience, BUT …

• there were NO long lines (I scheduled an “appointment” online just in case; but I got lost and was late for the time slot anyway);
• the computers WERE working; AND
• the employees were PLEASANT!

Nevertheless, it did NOT go well. The following discussion with G.E. tells the tale.

Me: Hi Honey, things didn’t go well.

G.E.: Why? What happened?

Me: They wouldn’t accept my birth certificate.

G.E.: I thought you took in your baby book!

Me: I did. But the birth certificate in the book didn’t have an official seal.

G.E.: I told you you should have renewed your passport.

Me: I know you did, but I didn’t see any grand trips to Europe on the horizon, so I didn’t bother.

G.E.: Neither did I, but I still renewed it. What about your social security card. Did you have that?

Me: HECK NO! I haven’t had that for years. I don’t even remember the last time I had an actual social security card!

G.E.: Did you lose it?

Me: I DON’T know! It’s been so long that I have no idea what happened to it.

G.E.: I have mine. The original.

Me: I know you do.

G.E.: Why do I have mine and you don’t have yours?

Me: Because you are you, and I am me.

G.E.: Did you know I have a laminated, wallet-sized birth certificate with an official seal on it that I carry in my wallet?

Me: (silence)

G.E.: Did you have ANYTHING?

Me: Yes, I had good hair. I spent hours combing it so that I would look good for the photo. That’s more important than a birth certificate, isn’t it?

Note 1: My last picture is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE driver’s license photo. I call it my “DMV glamor photo.” I’ve used it as an avatar. I’ve made provisions in my will to use it in my obituary.

Note 2: When I recapped this actual conversation with my mom, she said, “Well, if Mr. Smarty Pants is so organized, why doesn’t HE have a copy of your birth certificate?”

“He does, Mom. He told me he’d find it in one of the white binders lining his closet shelf when he gets home tonight. It’s even in a protective plastic sheet.”