Dear Twitter People,

I’m a new “tweeter,” and while I am enjoying this phenomenon, I also experienced a near-death experience last night as I set up my second account! You see I host a couple of blog sites, and I want to drop in between postings to share quick, thoughtful, AND relevant insights with my many followers. (Read sarcasm into the previous sentence, and you will accurately comprehend its tone.)

Twitter fulfills this ONE need of mine! I do NOT want to follow anyone else, AND I do NOT want anyone following ME!

While Twitter-users can choose one safeguard – protecting updates by NOT placing them on the public timeline – there are probably a couple of other issues that need your attention. I know you’re trying to keep out hackers while you fight legal battles with Tony La Russa, but what are you doing to protect users against creepy pornoholics?

While setting up my account, I did as instructed: I racked my brain to create an unbelievably unique user-name that also represented MY Twittering purposes. I came up with the following ideas:

• Epiphany/epiphanies – Taken
• Serendipity/serendipitous – Taken, taken
• Information/info – GONE
• TimeOut – GONE
• TimeIn – No go
• Tickles – Nope
• Chuckles – UH uh
• Chortles – No way
• Interruptions – Forget it

And so forth. I was just about ready to call it a night when I thought of one more idea: Eruptions. The point being that my twitters are erupting with ideas, reflections, observations, songs, poetry, etc.

EUREKA! I finally hit on a creative user name.  (BTW, I tried eureka, too!)

I KNOW you KNOW where this is going, and I SHOULD have seen it coming. After all, I raised 4 boys and taught middle school for years, so I am well acquainted with potty humor.  BUT this mentality traveled beyond the bathroom to sinister cellars. SCREAM!

Within minutes of saving my information, 4 stalkers tracked me down, but I didn’t know this until I returned to my Twitter site. There I found 20 random network affiliations listed as followEES. (I guess your social network felt I was lonely or something. Incidentally, I removed all but 2: CBS News and Nightline. Thanks anyway.)

I also discovered the 4 followERS. When I clicked the link to see who these individuals might be, nausea set in; I screamed, coughed, and gagged at the same time; my brain tried to blow off the top of my head; and my shaking hands instinctively covered my widened eyes!

There on MY computer’s screen were 4 HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, REPULSIVE, HIDEOUS, DREADFUL, NASTY, ATROCIOUS, SICKENING USER NAMES!!! Thank heavens the thumbnail pix were somewhat blurred; otherwise, I’d be lying on a slab in the morgue right now!

Shocked as I was, I managed to BLOCK THOSE PERVERTS! As I slowly recovered my sanity, I asked, “HOW IN HADES DID THOSE PSYCHO SICK-OS FIND ME?” At first no clear answer came to me. Not until I shut down the computer, brushed my teeth and readied for bed, tossed and turned for a sleepless quarter hour did it dawn on me!

My USER name, attracted those dirty-minded, depraved sub-humans!

Exhausted, I thought I would revise the culprit term in the morning, but then I imagined 100s of monsters preying upon my innocent site. I set about changing the user name – and thank heavens you Twitter developers, unlike blogger developers, have made that a possibility. BUT then I had to come up with yet ANOTHER creative and CLEAN term that could NOT inspire a double entendre!

For a half hour, I considered new ideas. The hour grew later and the ideas grew lamer: “SeConDs (I learned that capitalization matters NOT), minutes, minits, minuets, minitars, guitars, trips, traps, tripe – NO, NO, NO, NO! Finally, I stumbled upon “nanosecond,” and when I read “OK,” I didn’t even holler “Eureka!” I just called it a night, and went to bed AGAIN and dreamed of more possibilities. Grrrrrr.

Twitter People, I hope you can understand how despicable and frustrating  this experience has been for me. If  you truly recognize and empathize with the concerns of your Twitter-ers, you will send out your cyberspace Dobermans and FIGHT THESE SLIMERS!

(Please don’t take as long to remedy this problem as you took to stop the hacker of the Mormon Church Twitters!)

Be responsive and RESPONSIBLE! Be PROACTIVE and prepared to do BATTLE. WARN Twitter/Internet neophytes that they MUST choose their user names WISELY!

Since I am running out of CAPITAL letters, I must sign off now. Thank you Developers for reading this open letter. I can’t wait to see some RESULTS!

Sincerely,

rbs