May I say that I loathe voles? First of all, the name is so ugly: V–O–L–E.  (Can you hear the disdain in my voice?) I had never heard of these creatures until moving to the western desert of Utah in 2004. Upon hearing the vile name, I concluded they were a cross between vampires and moles – hence the name. But then I saw the evidence of their existence: crop circles.

Yes, there in my backyard were two perfectly round circles. The largest measured about 9 feet in diameter, while the little one was only 5 feet across. Perplexed at the site, I initially dismissed the possibility of aliens, but when I considered the alternative –  pranksters who sneak onto private property to create circles with tiny lawnmowers – the alien idea didn’t seem so far-fetched.

At the time, Hubby was also unfamiliar with voles, and he guessed that gophers were to blame. I disagreed saying those varmints were totally unfamiliar with geometry, but then again, they do like golf and we live next door to a course.

When I asked our neighbors, I learned the ugly truth: Voles had landed in our yard and only our yard! As I understand it, they came from Volecan, a far-away planet that is slowly dying.

Originally their appearance reflected their name – very hideous, but they quickly shape-shifted into something akin to field or meadow mice. I guess they received some kind of intel that included glimpses of Mickey Mouse or Ratatouille and mistakenly thought we earthlings would welcome them or at least ignore them. Of course this was phase 1 of their ultimate plan. You see if we ignored them, they could repopulate at such a rapid rate, they would take over the earth in less than a decade.

But the Voles underestimated our dislike of pesty aliens who mess up lawns and gardens! Hubby and I immediately hired a Vole-Slayer, and none-too-soon! The repopulation was progressing at a terrific rate. THEY WERE EVERYWHERE!

I wish I could say that was the end of the Vole Invasion, but it wasn’t. I’m afraid the hired Vole-Slayers resorted to chemical warfare that fateful summer. And while the tactic exterminated many of the creatures, some obviously survived as evidenced by what we found after 11 feet of snow melted this year.

The Voles have returned, but they are not the same as their fore-creatures. While they may still look like cute little field mice, the chemicals definitely affected the survivors of the  2004-05 war against them. Instead of perfect crop circles, our backyard now looks like a miniature corn maze – dozens of crazy paths weaving and winding through our lawn – our once beautiful, lush Kentucky bluegrass.

We don’t dare risk hiring the Vole-Slayers again for fear of what the fuzzy, frenzied fur-balls might mutate into, but I’ve heard a former dolphin trainer has invented a sonar system, currently available at Home Depot, that makes yards uninhabitable for Voles and the like. While this may not kill them off, it may force them to look for another planet upon which they can reek havoc!