Writing My Life

Now and Then

Tag Archives: Confessions


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… unresolved resolutions …

I understand that most new year’s resolutions are broken by Valentine’s Day. Last year I stayed resolute for three months and lost about 20 pounds. My resolve dissolved in San Diego where I soaked up more than sunshine. I get derailed so easily, and it takes MONTHS to get back on track especially when stress eating is at the heart of the derailment. I have just got to get past this, but I can’t think of anything to ramp up my resolve that I haven’t already tried.

I went on my first date diet at 15, and it was an INSANE regime! I think 1963 was the year of Metracal liquid diet meals and maniacal diet doctors who dispensed diet pills and starvation eating plans to any and everyone – including teen girls who didn’t want to start high school as plump sophomores.  So Mom took me to Dr. Diet who handed out the pills that curbed my appetite and transformed me into a version of the Energizer Bunny. (My sweet mother can’t believe she did that, but at the time it seemed like a good idea!) In 3 weeks I managed to lose 19 pounds – which is all I needed to lose at that time. And so started the 47-year YO-YO saga.

In the elusive quest of stabilizing my weight, I’ve ventured UP and DOWN so many paths. Here is just a sampling!

  • Weight Watchers – MANY times
  • Jenny Craig
  • Nutri-system
  • Fen-Fen – Yes, I know that was BAD but couldn’t have been worse than the 1960’s Diet Doctor’s magic pills!
  • Atkins Low Carb Diet
  • SlimFast
  • L.A. Weight Loss
  • Posting “skinny” pictures
  • Posting “fat” pictures
  • Announcing my weekly weight loss to the church ladies of the Relief Society
  • Posting weight loss on a friend’s healthy eating blog
  • Recording what I eat
  • Exercising
  • Posting pounds lost on a chart hanging in my bathroom
  • Reporting in to my husband, mother, friend(s)
  • Praying – still do this
  • Weighing often
  • NOT weighing at all
  • Changing the focus from losing weight to being healthy – this IS the best approach, BUT I still fall off the wagon like the food-a-holic/choc-a-holic/sweets-a-holic/carb-a-holic I am.

I seriously don’t know what to do other than NOT giving up. Last night as I worked on this blog, I saw Dian Thomas on channel 2 news. She authored ROUGHING IT EASY in the 1970s, appeared on Johnny Carson and many other talk shows of that era. Anyway, she gained 130 pounds over the course of that career, but 6 years ago decided to take off the excess weight. It took 6 years – the turtle system, she calls it, BUT Dian is confident that it’s OFF for good.

Then this morning I noticed my friend and neighbor Debbie launched a blog just yesterday to support her quest to lose weight and become healthier. THIS GRAMMA’S GOIN’ DOWN is sure to be inspiring AND fun as she is one hillarious writer!

SO, with this added support, I’ll keep on truckin’.  AND maybe someday I won’t have to hide behind frog statuary to disguise my double chin! Have a great day!


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… her birthday was yesterday … I didn’t forget …

Cousin Bonnie was on my mind yesterday, February 22. Had she not died 26 years ago, she would have turned 62 on Monday; 3 months older than me. Because Bonnie was such a talented poet, and because I am proud to be cousin to the Utah Poet of the Year 1983, I decided to pay tribute to her this month. I also love  many of her poems because they speak of people and places I know and love. But there is another reason I felt prompted to remember Bonnie, and I wrote a little bit about that in earlier posts. I mentioned that this cousin haunts me. Maybe I should say her words haunt me. But I’m talking about more than her poems; I’m actually referring to the inscription she wrote in my copy of Wake the Unicorn.

After the poetry readings of Bonnie’s work, she signed copies of her book during the reception honoring her. I waited in line to hug and kiss her and to get my autographed copy. We exchanged warm greetings; I offered my warmest congratulations to her, and told her how very proud I was of this tremendous accomplishment .  I remember Bonnie absolutely glowed in the joy of that evening. Finally, she picked up the book,  scribbled a short message, and hugged me again as she handed the copy to me. I didn’t immediately read what she wrote, but when I looked over the inscription, her words startled me.

While I’ve often battled with my own jealousies, I didn’t really see how anyone could be jealous of ME! (Except for my little sister Connie – but that’s normal because oldest sisters get to do MOST things before younger sisters, including growing older!) I never DREAMED Bonnie might be jealous of me, and I could only guess why because I wasn’t close enough to her to understand how or when this developed. I immediately realized I hated being the object of jealousy even more than BEING jealous.

In a scanned copy of a photo, I present Bonnie in yellow and me hiding behind my hands from what, I don't know!

I’ve often read her poems to learn more about her, and as I do, I see reasons to envy her short life. Those who peopled Bonnie’s world are painted as such interesting characters: the teacher of her one-room school house, the American Indian woman who “speaks of the Sun Dance,” the gypsy with the “black oiled hair” and “luminous eyelids,” and the witch who is  “old as your fear of the unknown.” When I add in the landscapes and the seasons; the pains, the joys, and the love Bonnie saw and felt, I marvel at how intricately she observed and how deeply she breathed in everything around her. Not only in reflection, but in the very moment. To find, then pen perfect words, I think Bonnie must have lived the world – simultaneously breathing in experiences through every one of her senses, and then freeing her heart to examine each sensation. I doubt that this makes much sense because I am trying to describe the indescribable. I should just let her poetry do the talking.

Bonnie, happy birthday.

Renae


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… let them eat cake, I’ll eat the frosting …

Note to Friendly Followers: Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT, read this post IF you have already perused “… true, unadulterated confessions … . “ In an attempt to write “less NOT more” – as in FEWER words, not posts –  I divided the former entry in half. Plus, I REALLY wanted to use the above title that rips off the rude statement Mare Antoinette NEVER made.  If you have NOT read the “unadulterated confession,” I suggest that you do, BUT it’s not necessary. This post is NOT that tightly connected to it, however, Ann Cannon’s comment actually applied to THIS confession more than THAT confession. Are you confused. Sorry!

CONFESSION #2 ~ 

After 11 days of working on my inadvertant resolutions, I’m not doing too badly. But since I’m in the confession mode, I thought I’d report in.

The SORTA Good News:

  • I’ve been on time for work 7 of 10 days, BUT I still climbed the stairs EVERY work day, which means I am still inadvertently moving my body more than I was in ’09 because I have NOT taken the elevator UP or DOWN even ONCE! (YaY for Renae.)
  • I did NOT eat in my car for 5 of 14 days. That’s not really very good, but before making too harsh a judgment, I want to point out that I’ve only eaten apples or yogurt, AND that’s because I’m trying to be on time for work, and SO I’ve had to eat breakfast on my way. BUT I was still late on 3 occasions. NOT eating in my car has kept the Cruiser a LITTLE cleaner. There are no crumbs or popcorn or wrappers strewn all over the place, BUT empty Diet Coke cans and junk from my purse/garbage bag still litter the front seats. Gotta work on this. BUT I have LOST 5.5 pounds, so perhaps NOT eating MUCH in the car has helped me with the second inadvertant resolution to lose weight. What do you think?

The REALLY Good News ~

  • G.E. and I have joined a gym and are working out 3 times a week, which equals 6 times thus far except we have to subtract last Wednesday when G.E. suffered from food poisoning or stomach flu, and I had a “business” dinner at Iggy’s Sports Grill. So we’ve sweat off calories and upped our heart rates on tread mills 5 times. What is surprising is how much G.E. is getting into this. I had to talk for over a month to convince him to join in this pursuit, and now he’s all Mr. Gym Dog (or is it “gym rat?”), with new workout duds and everything!
  • I’m TRYING VERY VERY HARD to eat sensibly. I’ve sort of VOWED not to DIET again. I’m SO SO SICK of couting calories, points, fat grams, fiber content, etc. Instead, I’m attempting to live the CJG lifestyle.. CJG is my friend who happens to also be my boss. She is tall and slender and young enough to be my daughter. She firmly believes that individuals can lose weight if they  do 5 basic things:
    • Eat good, nutritious food that you like, but practice PORTION CONTROL  – UNsuper-size food, and she means REALLY UNsuper-size it. So I eat on salad plates, and the food is NOT piled high.
    • Do AWAY with soda and drink lots of water. Well, I’ve CUT DOWN my Diet Coke to 2 or 3 a day vs. 6 or 7. Next month, I’ll try to decrease my consumption even further.
    • Exercise. (I’ve already told you about climbing stairs and walking on treadmills.)
    • SLEEP 7-8 hours a night. This is a tuffy. I get a second wind at 10 – just in time for the news and then Letterman. It’s really hard for me to go to bed much before 11:30, but because I want to be on time for work, I HAVE to get up between 5:30 and 6:00 A.M. YUCK!!! That means I’m lucky to get 6 hours of sleep, but it’s usually less than that because I have to take off my make up, change into my jammies, and other night-time routines.
    • Eat breakfast. I’ve been doing that EVERY day for 16 days! BUT sometimes I eat it in the car.

    CJG expressing shock b/c I'm on time!

Okay, this is nothing new, but maybe because it’s my boss who shared this with me, I feel obligated to give it more than a whirl. Or maybe it’s that  sick of dieting thing, or maybe it’s because I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE that’s pushing me! I am going on 62 years! I don’t know how much more time I have to BE skinny or slender or less fat. I have got to get with it, and so I’m really, really trying! And, like I said,  I’m doing pretty good – except for that big slice of chocolate cake my daughter-in-law sent home with us. I DIDN’T eat the cake, however. I JUST ATE THE FROSTING!


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… true, unadulterated confession …

FIRST CONFESSION ~ 

I apologize for posting rather infrequently during January.  I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, and decided it’s time to confess. 

 “Yes,” I whisper in a guilt-ridden voice, “I have another blog. It’s difficult leading this double life – keeping all the stories and information straight, spending quality time with both, feeling culpable when I leave one to hurry to the other. I didn’t plan to fall for another one; it just happened.” 

BUT, and herein lies the shock, Rebecca’s daughter is the “OTHER” blog. In the short time we’ve been together (April, 2009), I’ve spent MUCH more time here, poured more heart and soul into these hours than I ever have with the one whose been with me since the beginning. I think November’s NaBloPoMo further distracted me because I gave L2L nary a thought, let alone one word about what was happening. And then the holidays came. Rebecca’s daughter still received all the attention:  happy words of joy and cheer; pictures of fun and laughter filled our time together. 

Along came January.  I left the scene of celebration and gaiety and headed back to work where L2L was waiting and wondering where I had been. There was little recrimination, but there didn’t need to be. I knew I had been unfaithful and had some patching up AND catching up to do. A plan for reconciliation had already formed in my mind, and I started on the day all resolutions are born – January 1. 

Once again NaBloPoMo was the motivator. A message from their site announced that “BEST” was the word of the month, and I knew the second I saw that four-letter word that posting 31 entries in January on Link2Literacy, the blog I started in November 2007, would remedy my remorseful conscience. Furthermore, such dedication would also placate L2L’s friends who had to wonder what was going on. 

Now that Rebecca’s Daughter and L2L know about each other, I hope to be more conscious of the time I spend with each. I’ll try to be more equitable – AFTER I complete 16 more posts on L2L that is. In the meantime, friends of Rebecca’s Daughter, if you are interested in secondary literacy, feel free to drop by and visit my “other” self!